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I was never happier, never higher, never more alive. For the first time in my life, I was Daddys young slut daughter, could take care of myself. I loved the taboo, the riskiness, the slight danger to it all, and I always had to take it a step further. It was never quite enough. The money was intoxicating, but not the driving force. It was the thrill, the risk, the taboo, the attention, the power, the sex. All the while, an infuriated Mark covered for me, protecting my reputation, raising our child, keeping the real estate business going on his own, while I was off, totally out of control.

A year into my life as an escort, I was outed by a jilted client. A tabloid told of my activities to the world. My life had been taken away. Hamilton no longer runs competitively but does take part in charity races Suicidal thoughts crept back in. The world came crashing down on me. My husband would leave, take my child, my parents would abandon me, as would my friends, or so I believed. To save these relationships, I felt compelled for once to seek help, even if for appearance sake. Admittedly, I was beginning to feel there was something wrong with me after months of denial.

This was the first time I had ever visited a psychiatrist. I tried my best to fool him that I was fine, that I could continue with my life "as is". But within a couple of weeks, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorderweaned off the anti-depressant that the doctor believed had driven me to a mostly constant manic state over the past year and a half. The process of recovery would begin, slowly, with several bumps and relapses along the way. My husband did not leave. He did not take my daughter from me. My parents failed to understand why, but they stuck with me, loved me the best they knew how.

Friends bailed on me, but many remained, though confused by it all. I had some support in the athletics world, but some considered me an embarrassment to the sport and wanted me to just go away. I also had to quit the real world job as it was not good for my bipolar. How did the sweet, innocent Suzy wind up here? My bipolar is manageable now. I learned to feel no shame for what I did. Regrets yes, but no shame. Shame holds you back and prevents recovery. Hamilton feared her husband would leave her and take their daughter when her secret life was revealed What hurts most though is what I put my loved ones through. My journey, as odd as it was, moulded me into a person I'm happier with.

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